wow

Being alone with your thoughts after a break up is a serious thing. Especially when you get an emotional email that makes you cry every time you read it. So I think that everytime I think I have my life figured out I don't. And I think that only God really knows what's going on. So the only thing I know for sure is: I don't have Paco, and I need to have God. I will work on it. Hopefully if I work on my relationship with God it will heal any closure I need with Paco. Because I still feel like something is missing. I'm not sure what. But God knows. So if I stick by him everything should work out.

And right now organising everything I feel is difficult. I have been relying on my leather journal. I can talke it anywhere and write in it anytime. And one I write what I needed to I sort of forget those things I said. They are no longer on my conscience. I basically poured out my heart all I needed to about that particular thing and thats all I needed to say. But when I need to say more I do. And I dont go back and read what I wrote before. It's all too painfull. I'm sorry. Pain isn't the right word. He hasn't caused me pain. Just confusion. And once I record what I'm feeling it is as if it is set in stone. So if i go back to re read I loose track of my thoughts and confuse myself further. And it is hard to move on when there are so many memories around me. Especially on the computer. We spent so much time on it. I had to change everything. Every little away message had a little message just for him in a cute little code about an inside joke. And that's sad to think we won't have that anymore. Ya sure we can have inside jokes. But it won't be the same.

"Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lies man's only promise."
-Leo Buscaglia