Thursday, November 11, 2004

how could i be so blind?

"i cant do homework because i have no motivation"

well i have plenty of motivation the latter post provesmotivation enough right???? right! duhhhhhh lauren. of course. college is my motivation.

i should be saying , " i need to get focused so i can do homework" and thats how it will be done. . . tadaaa... i love my brilliancy. i applaud myself because this a break through for me. i have been dry on the breakthrough end of the spectrum for a long time!

1) go straight upstairs with all my stuff
2) go back down get neccisary books and drink?
3) no power button on anything
4) keep dictionary handy
5) record shows before hand

the end! yaya

college bound..

it binds my thoughts. everything i buy and do its all for college. its now what i am consumed in. college. oh i cant wait. i want to be there so badly. i cant wait to do my homework in the library or outside on those days that are just too good to stay in. i cant wait to order boxes from the containerstore so i can organise all of my stuff. i cant wait to get a part time job at some cute little shop so i can pay bills. yes i cant wait to pay bills. i cant wait to file bills. i cant wait to sit down with my soy vanilla latte and watch the people pass by going along with their day. i love to watch people and it will be so much better when im in college. i cant wait to have a shower tote that carries my shampoo and handsoap. i cant wait to have my own towels. just mine. i cant wait to read the school news paper. nothing is the same on paper like it is online. i cant wait to stay up late that first night, all stressed out because the day is three hours too short and my caffine wore off 2 hours ago. i cant wait to find that guy who is so into me for whats in my brain and in my heart not whats in my pants and bra. i cant wait to walk to the health food store and buy some really heathy things to eat for snacks. i cant wait to take my first class be it anything, i just want to do it. i want to have a real professor sombody who is really there for teaching. i cant wait to go shopping at target. no longer will i shop at wal mart. i cant wait to eat cafe food. but i guess i will have to.... wait..........

Saturday, August 28, 2004

lj

hey everyone.. i have a new journal. yes i know another one. but its a live journal. so if you dont have a journal get one! a live journal! ya... so heres the link.. add me to your friends if you have a live journal and leave me comments! (share the love)

http://wwww.livejournal.com/users/layzeelor

so go there ... and dont come to this one anymore cuz im not gonna write in here.. hehe

Friday, August 27, 2004

to translate later

J'avais pensé à Sarah depuis que je l'ai vue la première fois cette dimanche nuit. Elle m'a hypnotisé le moment où j'ai étendu des yeux sur elle. Je ne pourrais pas croire que une personne pourrait être si belle. Elle est pleine d'esprit et mignonne et amusement et futée et peut me commander comme personne autrement. Elle est mon fleur angélique. Je marcherais autour simplement dans les espoirs de voir son passage près. Je ne puis pas croire ce qui s'est produit pendant que la semaine progressait. Plus que nous avons parlé plus j'ai senti un raccordement spécial accroître entre nous. J'ai été excité juste pour pouvoir être avec elle encore le jour suivant. Elle m'a obtenu passionnant. Impatient. Nerveux. Il était merveilleux. Je ne pourrais pas me tenir pour être parti d'elle. Elle était magnifique. J'ai voulu tellement l'embrasser simplement sur la joue, mais étais trop timide pour faire n'importe quoi. Vendredi. Je l'ai embrassée sur ses cheveux sentants doux et elle s'est tournée vers moi et pendant que nos lèvres se joignaient j'ai su que j'avais été absent dehors sur la sensation la plus joyeuse au monde. Comme j'ai suggéré que nous nous déplacions à un endroit plus privé que nous avons regardé autour pour un peu et ai décidé de se diriger vers le haut de quelques vols des escaliers à un non-ainsi-caché mais hors des sentiers battus repèrez. Si seulement je pourrais le faire encore une fois, ne fût-ce qu'au savor le goût. Je ne puis pas cesser de penser à elle. Elle est toujours sur mon esprit. Et partout est je tourne et regarde son visage ce que je trouve. Elle est si beau j'avec veux pour être son jour et nuit. Je souhaite qu'elle ait vécu plus près moi ou I à elle de de sorte que nous pourrions être ensemble plus souvent. Elle est juste si provoquant une dépendance, je ne comprends pas. J'aime être autour d'elle, entendre juste sa voix. Elle m'a enseigné à me danser et égaliser obligatoire à danser avec elle. J'ai aimé danser avec elle. Danser lent particulièrement. Est si étroite et la tient près de moi une chose que je souhaite que je pourrais faire chaque jour. J'avais pensé à elle toute la journée, chaque jour. Il est comme si je suis hanté, qui je ne suis pas. Mais peut-être je suis. Ou entiché. Appelez-le ce que vous . Je l'aime. Je ne puis pas attendre pour la revoir. Son anniversaire est le jeudi prochain. Je ne sais pas exactement ce que je lui obtiendrai. Mais je sais qu'il doit être vraiment spécial. Elle vit trois heures de parti en colline de chapelle qui pisse vraiment j'au loin parce que ce les moyens je ne pourront pas la voir très souvent. Mais aussi longtemps que j'obtiens de la voir du tout je serai heureux. Je ne sais pas vraiment ce que j'essaye de dire ici, en tous cas, mais moi veulent juste qu'elle sache:

Sarah, vous êtes la personne stupéfiante le plus admirablement que j'ai jamais connue. Vous voulez dire tellement à moi.

Lien

lala black sheep

so i went to a basic ballet class . level one. a big huge step down for me. and i had the most bigest ( yes im going to say it, most bigest.) trouble with my technique. my placement was all off. i had no centre. my knuckles curl apparently. its news to me. and my hyper-extension well it was just reiterated to me that when they tell the class tighten your legs they mean for me to be over my toes and have slightly bent legs. and i have been dancing with locked knees for so long. hyperextension, tendonitis. just two of the ailments that makes my situation of dancing my heart out a bit more complicated.

today was a better day. yesterday sucked. and it started with math class. that stupid mini asessment threw me off and when i didnt get it and asked him to work it out he said well its just a matter of adding and subtracting. adding and subtracting what? where do you get the numbers from? why do i have to a word problem anuways. its not like things in life will be that twisted and complicated. i will be able to figure them out! duh thats why i go to school. i learn how to figure them out . with formulas. btw has anybody used any of their formulas from alg 1, 2 or geometry? anywho. after getting a response like that it makes me feel incompetent. and i have a sucky day. i go to history afterwards feeling just , pissy. cuz i did bad. and cuz i am a looser for not getting it. but anywhoness. mr. joyces humor makes me laugh so its hard for anybody to tell that i feel bad. and after history kim said i acted like i was trying to be cute. when really i was being all uncomfortable and pissy. when i get like that i fidget cuz i need to write. or sleep. or cry. or dance. or scream. or trear a hole in a piece of paper. so ya.... i guess thats all.. tonight im babysiting from 630- 9ish. tomorrow im babysitting from 645- 1130ish and sunday im babysitting from 1130-500 if thats $5 dollars an hour sombody do my math. they dont pay for half hours. and i think shes paying me in makeup too. not that i need it. i dont really wear any and if i do its simple. mascara, maybe eye liner, and shimmer on eyes and cheeks. sheer tinted glossy stuff... hardly ever use that tho, its usually burts bees wax chap stick. so she is selling makeup, the brand is called motives. its kinda expensive, but compareable to mac or bobby brown. actually its made by bobby brown. they do the thing like mary kay or avon where you have a one on one relationship with them. so this lady i babysit wants to be my makeup lady. their special thing they do is cuztom blend foundation. literally they blend it right on your face and mix it up right there in a little cup, your lady writes down the formula and you come back to her when you want more. they can add some pearlescence to it too. so ya if anybody want some GOOD quality makeup and doesnt mind spending some money let me know. or if you know of somebody let them know. tell adults too!!

i just realized my title was totally random when i wrote it down. but now i decided that it means im the odd ball in my math class.. baaaaaa

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

haha love it

find a penny

.. pick it up, if the head is up its good good luck.. i think im rembering it right. if not o well. today i found a dime on the floor. of course me being as cheap as i am, took the time to pick it up, instead of passing it by. if you think about it i am 10 cents closer to being a millionaire. and the person who dropped it is 10 cents farther from being one, unless they are a millionare then 10 cents is so insignifigant its hard to imagine. but then think if every time i spent money 10 cents was added to the charge. how many cents im loosing every time i spend money. its a tax. yes you have the idea. i should have a tax jar. and only pay for tax with money i find on the ground that way im not out anything and im not really paying the gov't anything!!

another quick unrelater random thing: joke from wesley... i will probably screw it up tho so bare w/ me...

on a traffic light the colors mean certain things .. red for stop, yelllow for slow down, and green for go... but on a banana its the opposite... green for dont, yellow for okay, and red for where the heck did you get that banana!

okay im done now..

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

never coming back to me

"EVEN THOUGH HE HURT ME I AM ABLE TO FORGIVE HIM BECAUSE LIVING YOUR LIFE WITH HATRED REALLY MAKES YOU MISERABLE." - an intelligent anonymous person

ya i dont know where i stand with you... paco.. im sorry if i offended you or hurt you or whatever i did.. i am not trying to be mean or unhelpful its just hard sometimes to hear you talk about other girls on days when im not emotionally up to it. i still love you and care for you but you must also understand its alot to deal with .. you talk about and ask me about these otehr people like they are not just people, they are my replacements. and the toughest thing to swallow inside i feel like you broke up with me for false reasons. you said it was to work on you, but now your feeling for all these other people. i dont know it doesnt match up to me... maybe im wrong. who knows. all i know is that romantically your no longer apart of my life. and as much as want to miss it, i cant. i choke back the tears of every poem i read by you and i make myself as distand as i can because it hurts alot to not have you the same way. but its the truth. were not the same and it wont ever be the same. you wont come back to me, and if you do, i dont think i could handle it. i dont know where im going with this. i know the wicked witch from the east of a mom i have is telling me dinner is ready. yes she actually wants to sit me down and conversate over soup!its torture i tell you torture! lol and for those of you who remeber your wizard of oz correctly its the witch of the west, we just dont live there anymore!

Sunday, August 22, 2004

my sis bday

lol my cat is sitting on top of the monitor. but no its too complicated to stay still for her. she is giving herself a bath and scratching her ear.. so the whole monitor is teetering in every which way.. lol...anywhoness...


yesterday was my sisters birthday. we gave her a card. inside it i wrote, "love you like a sister :P. 14 !! wow your catching up to me". ..but it reminded me of a time when i was little .. and i remember thinking that every birthday i got older and caught up to my grandpa, who does not seem to get older he is just old. and now i realize that because im 16 i dont get heapfulls of presents anymore. im content with a dinner and cd. because im not a greedy 6 year old i remember wanting to have the best party on the block (yes i beat you Zachary Marx! mine so totally was better!!)

Now the difference is im just a mature young adult who could use a nice night out with her family to celebrate the day she was born ... again...and i remember one christmas at grandmas house opening all my presents i think i was 7 or something, its the year i got the barbie mobile home. and i thought to myself ...i get all this stuff and my mom got a book. how boring! i want to get presents forever!! maybe they run out of things to buy them because she doesnt like barbies and already has a watch.
and for a long time i believed that to be the truth. adults are jipped a good gift because people have bought them everything else in the world they could think of..and now i realize.. being grown up your now jipped a gift, the gift is watching your kids faces opening the gifts, or just being able to give them the gifts. and sometimes times were hard and we didnt get as much as the year before on XMas so our little faces were dissapointed. but we didnt understand. thats not what celebrations are about. take the olympics for example. they were created so that warring countries could come together and play a friendly game. bringing people together. its what the olymics do. its what christmas does. its what any birthday does. its not about the diamond ring (tho that would be nice) its about unity...

enough said.

rantings of the infomings

i was just informed ... i have to be off the computer at 5:00 pm on sunday evening ..be done with all of my homework..

ooooo that is so gayyy... why do parents make stupid rules like that? do they not have faith in me that i will complete the necissary tasks? like homework? just because last year was a little rocky??? o yes that is right..

because last year was a total wash up and i screwed around, did no homework, and skipped a few classes i am no longer human and cannont learn from my mistakes. so they think. what the heck is this?? they have no trust in me.

they are treating me like my sister (an irrisponsible 9th grader with adhd) maybe i need a new set of parent who understand.. lol maybe i need patience. or i need to prove to them that i can complete homework, and i do complete homework, and i will complete homework... im not a procastinator.. not as bad as i was before anywas.. this year is different. i made promises to myself, and God and anna and my cat for heavens sake. one night i sat there and told my cat how i was gonna behave this year just because i was pissed at my parents for making their stupid rules.

and you know what its been one week and ive completed every assignment to date! on time! HA HA HA! in your face!! lol but no.. seriously. its not fair that im treated like an icompetent imbisol just because i messed up.. its not like im a convicted felon!!

and to note about the stupid making rules thing. just so you understand my parents. they have loads of other rules. like we ask once and yell second, skip all the begging and asking again...they also have rules like putting drinks on coasters, and my dad the more anal of the two makes a new rule every hour. its impossible to remember them. and the consquence is always forever... for example.. he says if i leave one more drink in the living room and i leave the room i can never drink or eat in the living room again. lol thats the only place we eat. our dinning room table has bills on it. and we have another rule, no eating or drinking upstairs. lol i do it all the time as long as i sneak my dishes to the kitchen by the time they get home.. why cant i eat upstairs? becasue it attracts bugs and they dont trust me to eat with out spilling (i cant remember the last time i spilled anything) and i have cought my dad eating upstairs countless times ... i smell a double standard....

okay
im done.. i guess..

little note

at first i typed little not.. lol i really do need a spell check.. if yall see anything please leave comments.. it will help my SAT scores.. lol

also : buy the book "she said yes" next time your at the book store.. to anybody who is a christian... or is not.. i still have to get it.. it was recommended by bob... yes his name is bob, its not his alias.as far as i know.. his name is bob.. i had a hamster named bob. it turned out to be a girl.. lol we called her bobette.. lol im sorry bob im done...

bobkmertz [3:03 PM]: honestly.... I think it is good for ANY teen to read
bobkmertz [3:03 PM]: but it makes a special impact on Christians

so go out and buy it! yall know you need to read! (get those brains working! i know its been a looonnnnggg summer!) hey ! *insert lightbulb above head here* what are those called when the word looks like its called.. like loooonngg looks long. or this sp lit... the word split is actually split... lol i cant member theres a name for those tho... it will forever bug me...

o and i want to buy this one too..... designer genes.. man i have so much to read... better get to it!
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0800752244/qid=1093201479/sr=8-4/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i4_xgl14/102-4209712-1596121?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

other books to read... o geeze dont even ask the list goes on and on.. i dont know how i survived the summer before last with out them! (i read alot this summer though so dont think im weird or anything its just me...)


and for those of you who ACTUALLY DO READ.. if your reading this... or any of my other posts... let me know which ones.. just tell me what you think.. its quite all right.. i dont mind some constructive criticizim..(yeah i know that ones spelled wrong too. hehe)

last night

we went to buca di peppos.. man i love that place. we sat in the kitchen. no joke. it was the best. ahh. im still a lil hung over from the spaghetti sauce. i sware some body is adding something to it! but anyways. i woke up today and i have two HUGEMONGUS charlie horses in my calfs. must mean i did my tendus right on saturday.

NOTE: tendu - french for to stretch the foot

cuz everyother day my hamstrings have been killling me. off to do my astro project. (and i read the first chapter of Gatsby, boy was it a doozy, a real bore. hope it gets better and the characters get a bit more..erm.. involoved) what was my other homework? i cant think??? well anyways. o ya.. french. i have to figure it out. i have to replace a phrase with a synonymn. lol i need a spell check.. hehe.. i cant even spell synonymn im in real trouble!!!

Saturday, August 21, 2004

my newest schedule.. hope it sticks

haha they screwed up everything so bad.. so here is my schedule

a day
1) ballet IV - at spirit square, 3rd floor, Ms. Thorslnad, never get a full barre workout cuz the bus is early
2)jazz 1/2 -at school, 2nd floor, Ms. McCloud, shes preggy so our performance will be in march instead of may.
3)algerbra II w/trig - in the trailers, ground floor, Mr. Goodwin, Fast paced class but im doin okay. we have hw buddys. mines rebecca.
4)US History ADV- at school, second floor, Mr Joyce, the work is easy and we have discussions. and no overhead notes. woo hooo!!

bday
2)ballet II - at spirit square, 3rd floor, Ms. Thorsland, um its nothing spercial. anna you need to switch to it.. i need you in it.
4)astronomy- at school, 3rd floor, Ms. Kube, it seems like shes really intimidated by her students, they are gonna take advantage of her.
6)French III- at school, in the trailers, ground floor, Mme. Monjimbo, im doing really well this year! yay
8)english III ADV- at school,first floor (whooo), Ms. Chancey, since its basically american lit. we have days where we only talk about history (boring) only she makes it fun...she remindes me of mary scott...hmm wonder why... lol
ya thats my schedule. this weekends homework:
  1. astro project
  2. Great Gatsby (first 2 chapters in book and cliff notes)
  3. French wkbk pg 1 exercize A,recopy french notes and vocab out of chapter
  4. Math Syllabus HW
  5. no history thank the lord. tho i could get ahead in the objectives..
  6. i have 3 dance classes and i think being sore counts for something right??

ooo i am going to a new studio. Charlotte School of the Ballet . i think thats what its called. so i take class from 12:30 - 1:30 on saturday. the last half hour is for pointe but i do it flat.

bye bye now



Sunday, August 15, 2004

its here.. tomorrow

o mi freakin wow... tomorrow we are going to go to school. like wake up at 5:00 am to catch the bus by 6:00. hope the same people are on the bus. i really miss those guys. and i will walk into homeroom not to find bianca and kim but some other people. i will most likely know them, most likeley already be freidns with them so i shouldnt sweat it. what should i wear? blue to be calm? purple to portray my personality?? white to be clean and pure, ready to work? wtf? we are not gonna work on the first day. we are gonna get the class sylabus and a parent form its gonna be so gay. im just so anxious to see everybody. and sad. liz wont be there to stand w/ me in the morning till one of our friends got there, and bianca wont be in my ace. everything is so messed up. but im still so anxious to get the day over with too you know? i dont know.

so heres my schedule in all its messed up ness...

Home Room Teacher - Mr. Joyce - D220

A DAY
Per 1 = Ballet IV - MS. THORSLAND - S303
Per 3 = none yet
Per 5 = none yet
Per 7 = US History ADV - MR. JOYCE - D220

B DAY
Per 2 = Baller II - MS. THORSLAND - E238
Per 4 = Astronomy - MS. KUBE - D301
Per 6 = French III - MME. MONJIMBO - M137
Per 8 = English III Adv - MS. CHANCEY - C102

i know what teachers i can and cant have for english, history and math, and i need a math class, ALGEBRA II regular, and i need another ballet class.. either BALLET 3 or POINTE 1/2.... man this is so messed up...

o well.. ill be spending most of my day in the counselors office beacuse i dont have any classes.. lol they will be getting an earfull from my mom.

Friday, August 13, 2004

seeing color

there must be a reason that since birth my favorite color was purple. i chose a baby blanket that was purple. there must be a reason. i have always loved it, never will tire of it, cant get enough of it. Purple. so after doing some reasearch i found out that colors reflect alot about our personality. and the colors you choose to put on your living room arent just by chance, or because they match your couch. its because they are apart of who you are... you can also use colors to your feelings benifits. if your tired you can wear red to energise you. if your hyper you can wear blue to calm you. and that is probably the reason we take so lon getting ready dont you think? because we try so long to find an outfit to go with what we are feeling! yay... read on..



What's Your Color?


Just as red sits on top of the rainbow, you like to stay on top of things. You have a zest for life. Remember that red can speed up the pulse, increase the respiration rate and raise blood pressure. It is associated with fire, heat, and blood, so it is impossible to ignore. And so are you (or would like to be).
The key words associated with red are winner, achiever, intense, impulsive, active, competitive, daring, aggressive and passionate. Red people are exciting, animated, optimistic, emotional and extroverted. Desire is the key word, they hunger for fullness of experience and living.
Now that you have all the good news, let's hear it for the bad news. Since you crave so much excitement in your life, routine can drive you bananas. Restlessness can make you fickle in your pursuit of new things to turn you on. It is hard for you to be objective and you can be opinionated. You have a tendency to listen to what others tell you and then do whatever you please. Patience is not one of your virtues.
However, you are an exciting person to be with, and always stimulating. The world would be a dull place without red people.

This is a softened red, so it tempers passion with purity. It is associated with romance, sweetness, delicacy, refinement and tenderness. Pink people are interested in the world around them, but they do not throw themselves into participating with the ardor of the red person. Violence in any form is upsetting to you.
At one time, pink was considered exclusively feminine, like the frosting on a little girl's birthday cake, but more men are comfortable with pink now because it's no less macho to exhibit sensitive, so-called "feminine traits."
If you love pink, you are talented and have subdued drive, charm and warmth, and are probably an incurable romantic. Pink people are friendly but tend to keep inner feelings hidden.

Yellow is luminous and warm because it is strongly associated with sunshine. It sparkles with optimistic activity. Yellow people are highly original, imaginative, idealistic, creative, artistic and often spiritual. You love novelty and challenge and have an inquiring mind. You are a reliable friend and confidant. Your ambitions are often realized, and you usually have a sunny disposition.
You are often egotistical, however, and do not like to be second best. You can be generous, but may be rather shy at heart and appear somewhat aloof as a result. You may be impatient with other people's ideas if they seem less well thought out than yours. You are genuinely concerned about the good of society, but generally spend more time talking about it than actually doing anything about it! Yellow people are perfectionists, but can also be joyful.

Orange is a combination of red and yellow, so it takes on many of the characteristics of both colors. It is vibrant and warm, like the autumn leaves. Orange has the physical force of red, but it is less intense, less passionate. Lovers of this color work and play hard, are adventurous and enthusiastic.
You are good-natured, expansive and extroverted with a disposition as bright as your favorite color, and you like to be with people. Your ideas are unique and you have strong determination. You are more agreeable than aggressive.
Orange people can be fickle. It has been said that your latest friend is your best friend. Orange lovers make for undependable mates--they're always looking for new worlds to conquer! Success in business can come easily to this gregarious, charming person.
If your preferences tend to the peach tones, you have all of the same traits as the orange person, but you are much less assertive about it. You work hard, but your play (especially sports) activities are more as an observer than a participant. You're friendly and charming as well, but in a much more subtle way!

The color of Mother Earth is the hue that is associated with substance and stability. A preference for brown means you have a steady, reliable character with a keen sense of duty and responsibility. You are the down-to-earth person with a subtle sense of humor. Browns love simplicity, comfort, quality, harmony, hearth and home.
You are a loyal friend, understanding but firm. Brown people have strong views and may be intolerant of others who think, talk, or act too quickly. You strive to be good money managers (we won't say "cheap") and drive a good bargain.
You are the person who might find it difficult to be carefree and spontaneous but will often rebel internally against accepting things the way they are. You feel very uncomfortable about losing control, but will work hard to change a situation that seems unjust or unfair.
You'd make a good marriage partner and a good parent because you have a strong need for security and a sense of belonging. Family life is very important to you.

Beige people have many of the same characteristics as brown, though they are probably less intense. Creamy beiges and honeyed tones take on a lot of yellow qualities, while rosy beiges take on pink characteristics. You are warm, appreciate quality, and are carefully neutral in most situations. You are usually well-adjusted and practical.

Nature's most plentiful color promises a balance between warmth and coolness, so green people are usually stable and balanced types. This is the good citizen, concerned parent, involved neighbor and PTA member--the joiner of clubs and organizations. You are fastidious, kind and generous.
It is important for you to win the admiration of peers so you are often a "do-gooder." You are a caring companion, loyal friend, partner or lover, with a high moral sense, and are super sensitive to doing the right thing.
You are intelligent and understand new concepts. You are less inclined, however, to risk something new than to do what is popular and conventional. The bad news about green people is that they often have big appetites for food. If you are dieting, it is difficult for you to lose your lumpies. The worst vice for a green is the tendency to gossip. Are you a little green with envy?

The color of tranquility and peace, blue tends to be the most preferred color universally. Although cool and confident (or wishing to be), blues can be vulnerable. You are trusting and need to be trusted. You are sensitive to the needs of others and form strong attachments, and are deeply hurt if your trust has been betrayed.
Blue people aspire to harmony, serenity, patience, perseverance and peace. You are somewhat social but prefer sticking to your own close circle of friends. You think twice before speaking or acting out. You are generally conservative, even tempered and reliable.
Because of the highly developed sense of responsibility of the blue personality, you must be careful of perfectionist tendencies that may make you unrealistically demanding. Your gentleness, however, will win out.

Since this is a marriage of the blue and green colors previously mentioned, many of the traits will be combined, but there are added dimensions. You are neat (to the point of fussiness) and well-groomed. You are sensitive, but also sophisticated, self-assured and (usually) stable.
You help others and usually manage your own affairs very well. Courtesy and charm are characteristics, too. But narcissism is a key word here. Teals love to dress up to get the admiration of others, but along with admiration, you may also provoke some of the "blue-green-eyed monsters."

This hue has an aura of mystery and intrigue. The purple person is enigmatic and highly creative, with a quick perception of spiritual ideas. Purple is often preferred by artists. People who like to consider themselves different from the common herd or unconventional often prefer purple.
You are often generous and, at times, charming. Purple is also associated with wit, keen observation, super sensitivity, vanity and moodiness. Because purple is a combination of red and blue, which are opposites in many ways, you often have conflicting traits. You are constantly trying to balance those opposites--the excitement of red with the tranquility of blue.
It has been said that purple people are easy to live with but hard to know. You can be secretive, so that even when you seem to confide freely, your closest friends never completely understand you.

People who love this tint use it sometimes to the exclusion of all other colors. Just as with purple, this person likes to be considered different. You are quick-witted, though usually not intellectual.
The lavender person seeks refinement in life. Yours is a fantasy land where ugliness and the basic aspects of life are ignored. Outward appearances are very important. Gentility and sentimental leanings also go along with this color, as do romance, nostalgia and delicacy. Since lavender is first cousin to purple, you may aspire to creativity, but if not capable of it, you tend to encourage those who do have talent.

People who prefer this most neutral of all shades, grey, are carefully neutral about life. You like to protect yourself from the hectic world, wrapping yourself with the security blanket of a noncommittal color. You prefer a secure, safe, balanced existence, and so unlike the reds in life, you never crave real excitement, just contentment. It is important for you to maintain the status quo.
You have often made compromises in your lifestyles. You are practical and calm and do not like to attract attention. You are willing to work hard (the grey flannel suit) and to be of service. You are the middle-of-the-road type, cool, conservative, composed and reliable.

This is rarely chosen as a favorite color because it is actually the negation of color. The person who chooses black may have a number of conflicting attitudes. You may be conventional, conservative and serious, or you may like to think of yourself as rather worldly or sophisticated, a cut above everyone else, or very dignified.
You may also want to have an air of mystery, or, as in the language of the proverbial black negligee, be very sexy. Wit, cleverness, personal security and prestige are very important to you.

White is cleanliness and purity, and those who prefer white are neat and immaculate in their clothing and homes. You are inclined to be a cautious buyer and shrewd trader, but critical and fussy. If you got a spot on your tie or scarf in a restaurant, you would summon a glass of water immediately to clean it off. White also signifies a self-sufficient person and, occasionally, innocence. It is a recall of youth and simplicity.

dear god letters

LoL. these are great. letters from kids to God.. i found it on this fun fowards site.. fun stuff...

1. Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda

2. Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

3. Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

4. God, I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love,
Alison

5. Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene

6. Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

7. Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God, I like the story about Noah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn

9. Dear God, my Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis

10. Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

11. Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

12. Dear God, in bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer

13. Dear God, how come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now? Billy

14. Dear God, please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter

15. Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had
their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't
forget. Mark

17. Dear God, my brother told me about how you are born but it just doesn't sound right. What do you say? Marsha

18. Dear God, if you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God, is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business? Donny

20. Dear God, I do not think anybody could be a better God than you. Well, I just want you to know that. I am not just saying that because you are already God. Charles

21. Dear God, it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

22. Dear God, I am doing the best I can. Really. Frank

And, saving the best for last......

23. Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas


and im leaving you with a song...

3x5 - john Mayer

I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been
You held this letter
probably got excited,

but there's nothing else inside it

didn't have a camera by my side this time
hopping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliché
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway
Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way,

but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's

Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me
Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame

Maybe I will tell you all about
it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's


and heres a maroon 5.. i have been living and breathing this one. you have to hear it.

secret- maroon 5

Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road
Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway, baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no


I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are
Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe off beads of sweat
Slowly you say, I'm not there yet

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't

I know I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
Oh, but can they keep it?
Oh no, they can't





Thursday, August 12, 2004

the things we realize thinking outloud..

imagine. wanting to gointo a relationship and the person on the other end says, "i know all about you". what a heart breaker. i would be devestated. it would take the mystery out of things right?? well in talking to a friend in a similar situation i realized something about people i never did before..

" if she knew you that well she would know how much hearbreak you have gone through an how much you want to have a relationship with her. she would know every question in your thoughts every fear everything God hears. think about it , she would be God if she knew all about you because only He knows what we will say before speak it or what we think before we think it."

jeeze i didnt know i had that wisdom.. lol but anyways i just wanted to say that this is important to me. because its one of the few times i have realized something about life, thats very important, recorded on paper..


fine is not a feeling

One of the areas in which we frequently make these unconscious choices of words is in greeting others. Does the following sound familiar?

Jim: "Hi, Bob. How are you?"
Bob: "Hi, Jim. I’m fine. How are you?"
Jim: "Fine." Bob: "Good."

Now, there’s certainly nothing wrong with that common exchange between two people. It’s probably repeated millions of times each day and usually in a friendly manner. But it’s also done a bit mindlessly and has now become our standard greeting ritual. Do we really want to know how people are, or do we just want to hear them say "fine" so we can move on? In most cases it’s the latter. Several years ago I came to the conclusion that every greeting has in it at least four wonderful opportunities: (1) to be a bit more imaginative and creative, (2) to have fun, (3) to lift someone else’s spirits, and (4) probably lift our own. During an average year at the high school, I had about 170 students. Since I met each one of them at the door before every class, I gave and received 170 greetings a day. There were handshakes, hugs, high fives, low fives, knuckle bumps, and a variety of other ways they chose to greet me. And each one came with a warm verbal exchange. It was incredibly energizing to start each class this way. At the beginning of each year, I would get the standard "How are you?" from about ninety percent of my students. But they didn’t get the standard "Fine" in return. I had a variety of answers, but my favorite was, "Well, I was good. But now that you’re here, I’m even better!" Because it was an unexpected response, it usually provoked some laughter. And because I genuinely loved teenagers and was sincerely happy to see them, my answer also brightened their day. It was always a win-win situation. I also had a variety of questions that I asked them when we greeted. I tried to avoid the standard "What’s up?" and "How’s it goin’?" Instead, I asked "SP" questions, which I also taught them to ask. "SP" means "strategically positive." It means the question is specific and will always elicit a positive and specific answer. Here are a few examples of SP questions:
Who’s someone you’re thankful for? Why?
What’s been the highlight of your day so far?
What’s the best place you’ve ever been?
What’s an important goal you have?
Who’s your best friend? Why?In all, my students and I developed more than a hundred questions. We found that they accomplished a number of things: The questions made the other persons feel important, the answers always led to more good questions, and the conversation that followed was always positive and upbeat. They’re simple and they work. How we greet others is a choice. Good greetings make for better relationships, increased energy, and more fun.

and better convorsations. if sombody says to me im fine. i dont know does that mean their weekend was terrible and they really need to talk or life is great cant complain... so really people try to give me more info so i dont have to search for answers... thats my rant for the day. thanks for tuning in.





"People get so in the habit of worry that if you save them from drowning and put them on a bank to dry in the sun with hot chocolate and muffins, they wonder whether they are catching cold."
- John Jay Chapman


the sun- maroon 5

After school, walkin home
Fresh dirt under my fingernails and
I can smell hot asphalt
Cars screech to a halt to let me pass
And I cannot remember
What life was like through photographs
trying to recreate images life gives us from the past
sometimes its a sad song

But I
Cannot forget, refuse to regret
So glad I met you and
Take my breath away
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I've gone through
And mama, I've been cryin
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said, the battle's almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

I'm movin on, down my street
I see people I wont ever meet
I think of her, take a breath
Feel the beat in the rhythm of my steps
And sometimes its a sad song
But I
Cannot forget, refuse to regret
So glad I met you and
Take my breath away,
Make everyday
Worth all of the pain that I've gone through
And mama, I've been cryin
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said, the battle's almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

Rhythm of the conversation
The perfection of her creation
The sex she slipped into my coffee
The way she felt when she first saw me
Hate to love and love to hate her
Like a broken record player
Back and forth and here and gone
and on and on and on and on!

I cannot forget, refuse to regret
So glad I met you and
Take my breath away,
Make everyday,
Worth all of the pain that I've gone through
And mama,
I've been cryin
Cause things ain't how they used to be
She said, the battle's almost won
And we're only several miles
Said, the battle's almost won
And we're only several miles from the sun

teens love..

i had to steal it from oreo.. it just makes so much freakin sence...

Some people think of Teen Love and smile. It's not real love, they say. Puppy Love, they call it. Those people, I think, have very short memories, and no longer recall the realities of their first love experiences. While few expect teen love to last a lifetime, that hardly makes it less real. Half or more of all adult love doesn't last a lifetime either.
Teen love is very real. And powerful. Perhaps at no other time in our lives are the joys and pains felt as strongly, or experienced more deeply. Who among us, after all, can ever forget our first love?

i dont know if you wrote it oreo or got it from somewhere but whoever did write it speaks the truth.. i totally agree..

Pink Monkey!!!!

o my gosh. i ran across this site forgetting how much i loved it in the 9th grade. It has notes on virtually any book. You almost dont have to read it. (though you really should). They have the setting , plot, blah blah blah and then summary of each chapter. OMG its like sparknotes. Except online. they do have a downloadable/printable version. but i just copy paste it into word and print it that way!! omg....

this makes me so happy! i bet im gonna use it for the whole school year!

I dont know how i passed english last year with out it...o wait i didnt. .i failed the last quarter and its because i didnt read the books and do the questions!!

Okay im done now.. if you want to go to the site click on the title of this journal.. it will take you there!

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

support finally!

so i was telling my parents about my plans.. and they said i think its wonderful. my dad said

"those are wonderfull goals to have" - DAD

i am in utter shock. jaw dropped and everything! and throughout the convorsation my mom said you need to make sure you visit it. and i think that studying abroad would be fabity fab fab fab... okay im really gonna go.. i dont feel well..

"Those who do not know how to weep with their whole heart don’t know how to laugh either."

- Golda Meir


you gotta have a plan stan!

so ive come up with my plan for the future. YAY for me! i know its corny but it works!... its highly reccommended! youll feel great about life and it will impress your guidance counselor!
SOOOO>>>>
while in high shcool im gonna go to night college at CPCC to start on my interior design degree. ill take some simple courses like color theory or auto-cad(a cpu program). and when i graduate high school ill transfer those credits to UNCG where i will finish college. its a good thing im starting early, because the program im taking at UNCG is 5 years for a speacial acredidation and i really dont want to be in college that long. but after college i will go to AUstrAlIA! i have always wanted to travel and i do need to have a job. so i figure this is a great way to get everthing i want out of life! the city i have picked is melbourne,victoria. its on the coast.
ThE PaCifiC cOaSt.
Im so stoaked you dont understand. i could live on MY home coast, away from home, in a foreign country, where they dont speak a foreign language, just talk a lil funny. and its so inexpensive to live there, the cost of living is half of what it is in Los Angeles. so im thinking it will be to something close living here.
CHEAP! :P
and they dont have alot of crime. i think it said that australia had 16 total deaths last year caused by guns. amazing. 16. america had 11 someodd thousand. AND... its got an art district where i can go see ballets (even take some classes). and they have , check this...
cafes on every corner!
this particular city has so much potential for the working woman!

PLuS: the people are the most geunuinly friendly people i have ever heard of. no wonder they have no crime. the love is just spread around! lol not in a freaky way. just in a good way. im just getting a really good vibe from this. o yeah. and the weather is nice. "temperate". YAY!! im so excited to be (wait whats 16+2 = 18 when i grad hs, and 18+4=22 when i grad college) 22!!!! when i can finally go out an venture into this amazing world. oohhh i just cant wait to see whats in store for me!

GooDie gOOdIE GuM drOps!

okay okay your probably thinking to yourself what a looser for going on the internet and finding out all that crap about some city youve never been too. i know i know.. but im just so excited to move on with my life and explore. i want to see more of whats out there in the world and what better way to do it then this? the only con i see is that my friends and family arent very close.. and the only solution i can come up with for this is.. come with me! anybodys welcome! come to the state of victoria in australia.. where you will find 4 of the most inexpensive LIVEABLE towns in australia.

yes one of the unlivable ones gets so flooded in high tide that the roads are not acessable and an AIR-O-PLANE has to deliver the mail! cool eh?
hehe i saw that on travel channel..

okay so, i am a looser.. you still love me right???
:/ j/k i know you do!

bored.. hehe

Name: Lauren
Piercings: 2 will get more
Tattoos: 0 will get some
Height: 5"4 1/2
Shoe Size : 9
Siblings: caitlin
[Firsts...]
First car: its going to be 95 toyota corolla (blech)
First screen name: purplelordancer
First self purchased album: umm melissa ethridge
First funeral: dont know who it was, i was young
First pets: dog poofter
First piercing/tattoo: first piercing , lobes when i was 8 mos old.
First credit card: dont have one, i have an atm tho
First true love: ty
First enemy: did i have those? its been so long
First musician you remember hearing in your house: pink floyd
[LASTS...]
Last car ride: coming home from work last night
Last good cry: the other night
Last library book checked out: o jeese its been so long
Last beverage drank: strawberry milk
Last food consumed: jello (im sick)
Last crush: paco
Last phone call: anna
Last shoes worn: white flipflops
Last cd played: maroon 5
Last item bought: a smoothie
Last annoyance:when my dad took the cable box and i had to come upstairs
Last time wanting to die: a long time ago
Last time scolded: last night for putting a towel on the floor
Last shirt worn: my sleepingbeauty shirt
Last website visited: blogger.com
Last movie you watched: ummm the law and order one
Last movie bought: o gee i dunno we do everything on cable
Last song i listened to: alicia keys if i aint got u (its number one on vh1)
Last cd you bought: maroon 5 songs about jane (finally)
Last person you've called: anna
Last person that's called you: anna
Last tv show you've watched: vh1 video morning countdown

[DO...]
you have a crush on someone: umm i duno what it is
you wish you could live somewhere else: yes
you believe in online dating: yes
others find you attractive: yes i guess it happens
you want more piercings: my tongue
you like roller coasters: hate em, fear em
you write in cursive or print: its a mix of both
[FOR OR AGAINST...]
long distance relationships: ive done it but its turned out to be unsucessfull so i dunno
people: um for??
smoking: against it ! cant stand it!
gay/lesbian relationships: for

[HAVE YOU...]
ever cut yourself: yes
ever cried over a boy: yes
ever cried over a girl: yes
ever lied to someone: yes, who hasnt??
ever been in a fist fight: nope fortunately
[WHAT...]
shampoo do you use: brilliant brunete
shoes do you wear: birkentocks
are you scared of: rollercoasters, and extremely large irregular bugs

[NUMBER...]
of times I have been in love: 2
of times I have had my heartbroken: i think you cant count that, a pieve of the heart is broken with every dissapointment
of hearts I have broken: depends on how many ive dissapointed..
of times my name has appeared in the paper?: a few
of things in my past that I regret?: 0

[DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...]
pretty: yes
funny: sure
hot: no
friendly: yes
amusing: lol yes
ugly: no
loveable: uh huh
caring: oh course
sweet: yesm
dorky: most of the time

[FAVORITE...]
5 letter word: crazy, snoki, colie,
Actor/actress: Johnny Depp/Catherine Zeta Jones
Cartoon: tigger, pink panther, cheer bear lol do i have to have a fav?
Cereal:kashi, boring but yummi
Chewing gum: the minty one
Color(s): purple
day of the week:everyone
Least fave day: none
Flower:sunflower (watch calendar girls g8 movie based around sunflowers)
Jelly flavor: blackberry
Jewelry:a silver ring
Summer/Winter: summer

[Person who last.. ]
Slept in your bed: o jeeze its been so long
Saw you cry: umm i keep it kinda private
Made you cry: thats private too
Yelled at you: mom
Sent you an email: i dunno

[Have you ever.. ]
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yes
Gone out in public in your pajamas: yupp, i go to dinner in em
Kept a secret from everyone: yes
Cried during a movie: not generally
Planned your week based on the TV: nope
Been on stage: yes.. its where im most comfortable
Been to New York: no, will be in oct for a wedding
Been to California: i lived there for a good 14 years of my life
Hawaii: nope
China: Nope
Canada: once when i was a baby
Europe: dunno.. might have when i was a toddler
Asia: nope
South America: nope
Africa: nope
What time is it now?: 11:11am

[This or That? ]
Apples or bananas?: bananas
Blue or red?:red
Walmart or target?: target
Spring or Autumn?: spring
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: watch a movie
Was the last meal you ate?: breakie
Are you bored?: uh huh why do you think im doing this?
Last noise you heard?: the tv
Last smell you sniffed?: umm my milk

[Friendship/Love ]
Do you believe in love at first sight?: yes
Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: i dont know ill cross that bridge when i get there wont i?
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: brutal honesty. if you cant tell her she looks fat in that dress with out her being offendend its not gonna work
[Other Info ]
Do you speak any other languages?: some asl, some french
Last book you read?: gossip girls series
Something in your bedroom you like?: my stereo and my umm ya mu stereo

[You]
Nickname(s):lor, lorriebear, lo lo ,freakie tiki ,raunchy
Initials: lsmg
How old do you look?: 13 maybe
How old do you act?: around adults 18 19, around peers my age
Glasses/Contacts: glasses for movies
Braces: unfortunately yes
Do you have any pets?: 3 cats 1 dog
You get embarrassed: umm who doesnt?
What makes you happy?: dancing and small things
What upsets you?: other small things
[Finish the sentence: ]
I Love to... make people happy
I'm Annoyed by... my sister
I Want to be... a better person to my sister
I would never... drink alcohal
I Am Tired of... being controlled by my parents
I Will Always be... faithful


Monday, August 09, 2004

its not just me.

my dad just called from work. says hes coming down with the flu. (sp?) YAY!!

no im not yaying because im some insesitive moron that has no sensitivity (and no vocabulary).
Im Yaying because that means me being sick is logical!
Im not crazy for random barfing.
yUck-O-rAm-A!
and that also means that my being sick is a real thing.
i was hoping it was something psychological.
where i could make myslef believe that im not sick anymore.
now i will just have to deal with true and utter sickness.
EWWWWE.

Anywhoness im gonna go im becoming queasy.

other forms of queasy:

quesy, quesay, etc.. i am dislexic i tell you!



oprah

on oprahs site she has these journals. theres one for dieting and one for daily use. theres one for gratitude too. where you go in everyday and list 5 things your greatfull for. and over time youll see how your gratitude changes and your greatfull for more then just air conditioning and a warm bed.

so im gonna try that.


While I was at moe's last night i realised 5 things i am greatful for.

1.cool evening breezes
2.acoustical music
3.drunk people for display (lol i like to people watch)
4.a good buritto, not the crappy kind
5.feeling weightless because im so happy even if its just for an hour

mkay im at work and nothing seems to be going my way. my conditioner didnt rinse out all the way this mornining, i didnt get starbucks, my stomache hurts, i have a headache, and eveytime i bend over to pick something up i gag up the last food i consumed. think theres somehting wrong with me?

Sunday, August 08, 2004

parenting teens with love and logic

chore list for today:

clean room,sort laundry,unpack bags and purses that have crap in them,get together school stuff,vaccumme

what i really did i would rather not discuss. lets just say it involves teen magazine, scissors, a glue stick and construction paper. lol

so it looks like ill be longer doing chores then my expected speed 1/2 hour... were eating dinner now.. lol at 8:09 pm. anywhoness.. i guess i broke my 8:00 pm curfu for "lights out or they com out"!!

its a new sugestion for getting your kids to bed from the book "parenting teens with love and logic." so now my dad has all these new ideas about raising/ parenting me. and one of them is when i go to bed its time for bed. and if i keep my light on and read or whatever thats not going to bed. so if they catch me with the light on they are taking all the lightbulbs out. then i have to be in bed when the sun goes down because there will be nothing else to do. lol perverted thought .. "when the sun sinks down, over the water. everything is hotter when the sun goes down." lol whats that song about? its kenny chezney. i kno i spelled it wrong but o well. i learned of him when i went to camp. that and rascal flats. its amazing how un-white i really am.

Darned parents and their self help books. they learn how to manipulate us to do things they want us to do.!!

GRRR

"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent




Friday, August 06, 2004

busy bee busy mee

So I found sumthin to keep my busy. Creating this darned website. I have alot I want to put into it so im gonna go go go and work at it. LoL Im so weird.. but anyways...

Since the breakup ive had a rollercoaster of emotions. And most I dont really care to display right on my sleeve. I still feel terrible for not doing more, and its hurts cuz i cant have him but there has to be a greater meaning for all of this to be happening... so ya... Im okay as long as the glass is half full im okay. and as long as i can stay busy and focused on things other then him im okay. because i love thinking about him i do. but now i think about him and its changed. nothings the same. so i guess i just have to adjust my life to fit that...


Thursday, August 05, 2004

whats your element?

What's your true nature: fiery, grounded, fluid, or rational? All of us have many of these traits, but often one stands out. Take a quiz to learn which element (air, fire, water, earth) dominates your personality. .. i didnt make up this quiz. some things i like. some things i dont. take it for yourself and see what you think!
SOO>>>

Im a WATER person.. what the crap is this...read and find out. what i have to think of it is in blue.

THE WATER PERSON-

The Water person feels first and foremost. "Thinking never solved anything—only our hearts should be our guides!" (first of all i think way to much about everything, im very analytical)
She has a great facility with feeling; she is compassionate, caring, and a great listener. (okay so that part isnt so bad..i guess i can be a good listener. tho i do like to talk)
Water people can be wonderful therapists. ( hmmph. miranda always called me the love doctor. i could solve anybodys love issue without ever having my own.)
They "go with the flow," (yeah right. if something i was looking foward too doesnt happen i mope all day. sure i try to stay optomistic but who can?)
but don’t flit about like Air people. (what the hell is flitting? a new verb.. omg they are creating verbs now, not words)
Their movements have a definite path, albeit an often unexpected one.(well i like to think that anybody has a definet path. and i hope mine is unexpected because that would take the element of surprise out life. what more would i be living for?..)

The Water person’s open heart makes her generous, (sure i am generous. my goal is to be more generous tho.)
and her empathy can make her quite social,(umm not really. i dont have a 'posse' just a few close friends whom i know very well. i like it that way)
although not all Water people are "bubbly." (lol water has bubbles.. lmbo ..) She is often very dreamy, and can be mystical. (um right im dreamy, cuz i dream of things. does that mean i appear with a haze around me and a choir going AHHHH in a heavenly key every time i enter a room. no)
Among magical folk, Water people might meditate,( i meditate in a diff way)light incense, (i love incense)
take steamy baths,(i hope so, how else am i gonna get clean??)
wear consecrated herb bags, and so on. (think again, how about not!)

Water people are often artistic as well, and are especially found among painters and musicians. (i am very artsy. and i do love a good painting/painter, and i love lots of different music and musicians. im very aclectic.)
Water people often move with a sensual grace that reminds one of their element, (sombody said its the way i carried myself that drew me to them.. i dunno if thats what this is talking about)
and often have wide, open eyes,(my old ballet master called me 'Doe eyes'..like the female deer who has big beaming eyes.) the kind that look deep and liquid. (if only they were blue... drats. i love blue eyes. especially on babies. they are so mysterious because they are so crystal clear. but not.)
Very Watery people often dress in flowing clothes or have flowing accessories.(umm do you count the loose tee and sweatpants im wearing right now? other then that i dress pretty trendy.)
They can have a mysterious quality that is compelling to those around them. (again i dont know if i do. sombody tell me...)
Some Water people are dark,(nope) brooding, and perhaps even silent, an inward rather than outward Water manifestation. (well im not very foward when i am not comfortable with the people so maybe thats what it means)
Romance comes naturally to Water people; they give and receive love easily. (very much so)
Some share themselves effusively, and some are very secretive,(well im quick to share details of our date or w/e with my closest friends .what else do you expect us to talk about?? but im not one to kiss and tell too much or to too many..) withholding information while being open with emotion. (yes i guess you could say that. ) Perhaps surprisingly, not all romantic Water types are particularly sexual; ??? many find the physicality of sex to be a distraction from love’s emotional and spiritual nature. (wtheck? distraction from loves spiritual nature?? thats the first time ive heard that line...)
All that feeling can lead to its share of problems. Depression and addiction are Watery illnesses, (addiction to what? coffee? and depression i dunno. its been so long since ive been really depressed 2 years now)
and flowing with dark, negative feelings can make some Water people irrational, or even psychotic.(lol me psychotic.they hit the bullseye!)
More likely, the Water person will simply be prone to tears, often needing to "get serious" at moments when others would prefer to be lighthearted. (man do they know me well or what?? creepy. i never could pin point that about me before this)
They can be as inconsistent as the tides, (tides are actually very predictable.. ha)
changing their minds the way Earth people change their socks. (hehe anna u must be an earth person then .. socks)
Their wonderful sensitivity can go overboard, making them perceive every offhand remark as a major emotional statement. (okay. no. im not oversensitive.)
The Water person can choose to balance herself. (balance. my favorite word, balance on my feet, in the brain, between schedules.. ahh balance lol)
Water needs to be offset by rationality, decisiveness, and groundedness. (amen. decisiveness. i cant stand it when people sit there with a decision to made and himm and hahh like its gonna fall into their laps. wooot woot. im so glad they said that. and rationality , i suppose its accurate i mean i do make very rational decions. but if you look at my past i dunno how much of that was really well thought out..)
With some balance, the Water person can follow her flowing nature, and be happier for it. (right.. :/)

"We probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of us if we could know how seldom they do." - Olin Miller

cussing

"know that we've been over this a lot, and for me, cussing is a matter of self-control above all. If I can't even control what comes out of my mouth, what can I control? I understand Sirena's argument that there is nothing in the Bible the specifically says "socially unacceptable words" are not allowed. However, cussing in anger, cussing at someone else ("You son of a...," or, in fact, insulting or trying to hurt someone with your words), and using the Lord's name in vain are all wrong. There is also the issue of the way Christians are represented to non-believers. Many people in society do use "SUW"s, but many do not, and if they hear us "Christians" cursing, chances are they can/will be turned away from God. Remember, we represent God to the general public. We are called to a much higher standard, because we know what is right and wrong. Eventually the subject of cursing by oneself in an empty shack in the middle of nowhere will be brought up. The thing is, I can't understand how cussing glorifies the Lord (and, as I have mentioned several times at the Hideout - that is our purpose here). Everything we do should be in his honor, and although chances are this goal will never be attained, we should strive for it. "


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

last day of 03-04 school year contd. (read it first)

i said i would add more and here it is.. please go to the bottom and read the origional first, even if you already have just to refresh your memory.. thanks..

i realized last night that this move is/ was a blessing. and that everything that happens in our lives happens for a purpous. even our sins. i sined thinking that i was gay. after i thought i was gay we went to nc and i went to a new school. one day in gym i was talking about being gay and eloise entered the convo. she invited me over because she was intrigued with my lifestyle. well i come to find out she is christian. she evangelises to me. i meet anna. and anna seals the deal and i become saved. if i had not sinned i might not have heard the Word and chosen that path. If i had not moved i may not have chosen that path. so moving really did have a greater pupouse.

so the effects of moving:
ive accepted christ
im no longer gay
i met many new poeple like anna with whom i have strong relationships with
i broke the mold of being stuck in one place and im free to experience other things
i fell in love, with the opposite sex
i had revilations about my life, gained wisdom that is so usefull

what more could i ask for??? moving has been wonderfull.. and to those who think that moving sux because your leaving everything behind.. even if your not religious.. know that there is a great purpouse to everything going on in your life. and if you think about it. its all connected somehow. i know you have to believe that everything happens for a reason. and moving does too. you stay in charlotte has fufilled its purpouses and now its time for a new adventure.. feel free to drop me a note and let me know how they go to those of you who are gone... you know who you are..

dont cry when you read this...

On the first day of school, everything went great. She made new friends and even got a date! She thought, "I want to be popular and I'm going to be, Because I just got a date with the star of the team!" To be known in this school you had to have clout, And dating this guy would sure help her out. There was only one problem stopping her fate. Her parents had said she was too young to date. "Well, I just won't tell them the entire truth. They won't know the difference; what's there to lose?" Jenny asked to stay with her friends that night. Her parents frowned but said, "All right." Excited, she got ready for the big event But as she rushed around like she had no sense, She began to feel guilty about all the lies, But what's a pizza, a party, and a moonlight ride? Well the pizza was good, and the party was great, But the moonlight ride would have to wait. For Jeff was half drunk by this time. But he kissed her and said that he was just fine. Then the room filled with smoke and Jeff took a puff. Jenny couldn't believe he was smoking that stuff. Now Jeff was ready to ride to the point But only after he'd smoked another joint. They jumped in the car for the moonlight ride, Not thinking that he was too drunk to drive. They finally made it to the point at last, And Jeff started trying to make a pass. A pass is not what Jenny wanted at all (and by a pass, I don't mean playing football). "Perhaps my parents were right.....maybe I am too young. Boy, how could I ever, ever be so dumb." With all of her might, she pushed Jeff away: "Please take me home, I don't want to stay." Jeff cranked up the engine and floored the gas. In a matter of seconds they were going too fast. As Jeff drove on in a fit of wild anger, Jenny knew that her life was in danger. She begged and pleaded for him to slow down, But he just got faster as they neared the town. "Just let me get home! I'll confess that I lied. I really went out for a moonlight ride." Then all of a sudden, she saw a big flash. "Oh God, Please help us! We're going to crash!" She doesn't remember the force of impact. Just that everything all of a sudden went black. She felt someone remove her from the twisted rubble, And heard, "Call an ambulance! These kids are in trouble!" Voices she heard...a few words at best. But she knew there were two cars involved in the wreck. Then wondered to herself if Jeff was all right, And if the people in the other car were alive. She awoke in the hospital to faces so sad. "You've been in a wreck and it looks pretty bad." These voices echoed inside her head, As they gently told her that Jeff was dead. They said "Jenny, we've done all we can do. But it looks as if we'll lose you too." "But the people in the other car!?" Jenny cried. "We're sorry, Jenny, they also died." Jenny prayed, "God, forgive me for what I've done I only wanted to have just one night of fun." "Tell those people's family, I've made their lives dim, And wish I could return their families to them." "Tell Mom and Dad I'm sorry I lied, And that it's my fault so many have died. Oh, nurse, won't you please tell them that for me?" The nurse just stood there ~ she never agreed. But took Jenny's hand with tears in her eyes And a few moments later Jenny died. A man asked the nurse, "Why didn't you do your best To bid that girl her one last request?" She looked at the man with eyes oh so sad. "Because the people in the other car were her mom and dad." This story is sad and unpleasant but True, So young people take heed, could have been you. Drinking and driving is Not cool. Be careful of your habits and who you're hanging with. Give everything a second thought.

so i guess the moral is ... think everything through.. and thought it may seem like everybody tells you just to say it, everything has consequences. so try to make decisions unselfishly, thinking about those decisions.

Please put this in your journal .. and encourage others to as well.. we as teenagers need to be more responsible. if make these more repsonible decisions they just might let you go to the party you want to next time.. when its under safer circumstances...

bananna and oreos b/f

iSkATeBLiNd79: i dunno she mite say no
annanaBannAmAeyE: its part of taking a chance....
annanaBannAmAeyE: if u dont ask you'll never know
annanaBannAmAeyE: and the oppritunity will pass u by
iSkATeBLiNd79: where the hell do u women get these lines of shit
iSkATeBLiNd79: lol
annanaBannAmAeyE: from romantic comedy's men wont watch

anna makes me smile.. and hes really sweet.. good for my new friend oreo whom i feel like i know better then i do... but i guess there are just people in the world that you just have that much in common w/ ya know?? anywhoness.. im gonna skidaddle... ive got lots of nothing to do and lots fo people to talk to nothing about!!

beach

so i went to myrtle beach. yeah it was fun all right. we left on thursday. got back on sunday night. there was a tropical storm on the way so we were only able to be in the water friday and saturday, not sunday. but when i go down to the beach its not to soak up the uv rays or strut my stuff.. nope its to get down and dirty and surf. well to my dissapointment there is really no surf on this coast unless you go into the inner banks (we were on the outer ones) so i took up boogy boarding. once i got the hang of it some guys watched me to figure out how to do it. it was great. i had a blast. a few good wipe outs too. and now that im all tan and stuff i can turn a few heads. not that im trying to. it was amazing how much girls show off there. you have to be the best, wear the best, look the best. and every body is a snob. its rediculous. they are so stuck in their own world and just because they look good and they know it they rub it in all of our faces. grrr it makes me feel so unpretty. like i have to try ten times harder. but what am i trying for... o well.. its late me and anna need some sleep now.. i will write more about this laterz.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

dmb

i had my first convo with paco over the phone after the breakup. it was normal and unawkward. and i think the whole us not being together and being friends will work out just fine.

I also went to dmb. I was anxious for them to play me and paco's song , crash into you. But after the night went on and they didnt play it i realized i needed to hear them play it and dance to it and sing to it at the top of my lungs for closure. i needed to let go all of my feelings to that song, everything that is lingering and lurking about paco needed to be released with that song. and it would have been perfect at that concert because you have no inhibitions. well at least i dont. the music is so loud it doesnt matter if i miss a note. and who cares how i dance b/c they are all drunk anyways. who am i trying to impress somebody who is going to wake up the next morning and say what the hell did i do? where the hell was i? who the hell did i fu*k? sorry about the language. i know i gave it up but when you quote a drunk with a hang over you cant say who the heck did i freak. thats just not sumthin they would say. well anyways. all my feeling that im hanging onto with just a glimmer of hope and sadness would have been washed away with the sining of that song at the concer. if they had played it. it was a bummer but they didnt. i had a great time hearing the reat of the songs and dancing. i went through a roller coaster of emotions really because paco loves dmb and alot reminded me of him. but anyways im going to go now because im really supposed to be sleeping.. o well..

Friday, July 23, 2004

wow

Being alone with your thoughts after a break up is a serious thing. Especially when you get an emotional email that makes you cry every time you read it. So I think that everytime I think I have my life figured out I don't. And I think that only God really knows what's going on. So the only thing I know for sure is: I don't have Paco, and I need to have God. I will work on it. Hopefully if I work on my relationship with God it will heal any closure I need with Paco. Because I still feel like something is missing. I'm not sure what. But God knows. So if I stick by him everything should work out.

And right now organising everything I feel is difficult. I have been relying on my leather journal. I can talke it anywhere and write in it anytime. And one I write what I needed to I sort of forget those things I said. They are no longer on my conscience. I basically poured out my heart all I needed to about that particular thing and thats all I needed to say. But when I need to say more I do. And I dont go back and read what I wrote before. It's all too painfull. I'm sorry. Pain isn't the right word. He hasn't caused me pain. Just confusion. And once I record what I'm feeling it is as if it is set in stone. So if i go back to re read I loose track of my thoughts and confuse myself further. And it is hard to move on when there are so many memories around me. Especially on the computer. We spent so much time on it. I had to change everything. Every little away message had a little message just for him in a cute little code about an inside joke. And that's sad to think we won't have that anymore. Ya sure we can have inside jokes. But it won't be the same.

"Love always creates, it never destroys. In this lies man's only promise."
-Leo Buscaglia




Thursday, July 22, 2004

the ultimate mix cd

i want to make a mix cd of my all time favorite songs. im having trouble narowing down my favorites especially since there are so many albums that are my favs but heres the list anyways :

in no particular order (i mean these are my favs c'mon)
Rascal Flats - Mayberry*
Green Day - Good Riddance (Time of your life)**
Sarah McLachlan - Angel**
Alicia Keys - Never Felt This Way, Mr. Man
Andre Bocelli - Romanza
Josh Groban - You Raise Me Up
Maroon 5 - Sunday Morning
Rednex - Cotton Eye Joe*
Cardigans - Love Fool
Coldplay - Clocks
Bush - Letting The Cables Sleep
John Mayer - City Love, Why Georgia
Sublime - Wrong Way**
3 Doors Down - Kryptonite,** Here Without You**
Carly Simon - Your So Vein
No Doubt - Sunday Morning, Excuse Mr** (i only have the casette.. ahh i love the 90s)
Stevie Wonder - My Cherie Amour
Seal - Kissed By a Rose*
Third Eye Blind - Semi Charmed Kinda Life**
Incubus - Drive
Hoobastank - Reason**
Christina - I turn to you, The Voice Within

*= need the single **= want the cd


"Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, Expels diseases, softens every pain, Subdues the rage of poison, and the plague. "
-John Armstrong


archery

the egyptians were intelligent too... maybe this could be a metaphor for parenting and what they really need to do...

"The marksman hitteth the mark partly by pulling, partly by letting go."
- Egyptian proverb

issac is genius

just when you think you have life all figured out you watch a 60 minuets with issac mizrahi hoping to get a fashion scoop and realize that he has wisdom that you have yet to conjure. he was making all these metaphors for life while i struggle to keep ideas about life straight and sensible. and what he said just made so much sense. it was so .. wow. i was blown away by all of his knowledge. hes really lived. and been out there. and when they say living in the real world is different i never understood. how is their world different from mine? just because i have people like parents who pay for things. but now its all clear. i just havnt lived like issac has. i havnt experienced what my dad has. thats why my dad is against religion, not because of what it stands for, but for what he stands for. because of his experiences he stands for different things. and because me and my dad have experienced different things on different levels we stand for different things. i have yet to cut the rope of need and attachment. i cling to my parents like a baby, still. even though i have just 2 years till college, i have yet to get out there and feel it. i dont know what its like to feel whats real because my whole life is "drugged".

let me explain. issac said when you go to the dentist and they pull a tooth they go to give you a
pain killer. but you have to say no, i dont want the pain killer, because you have to live through that pain to know whats better.

see my whole life is cushioned. i dont know what real pain is. because im forever being drugged. not litterally. just emotionally. there is always somebody to tell me is will be better. and they always fix it. when i fall and hit my head they kiss it and say now youll feel better. and thats the way my life goes. so i dont know what a great life is. i dont know what a bad one is either because there is always somebody there to protect me. i just go about it living. like they want me to. my whole life is smoke and mirrors. but until i get out there and experience life for myself with out the security blanket of my parents i wont know what struggle, suffering and heartwrenching pain is. but because they have they dont want me to know. but i also wont know how it feels to prosper, overcome, conquer, prevail and i wont feel delight, contentment, satisfaction. i cant feel anything but what they want me to. because my life is in their hands. and i think its human nature to break away from that mold of what they are doing, what they are trying to make of you. because you want to feel, and experience. so you try to find yoruself and defy your parents and their directions. they tell you to go to bed at 10 pm. well to hell with that im staying up till 2! i
want to make my own mistakes and decisions because i dont know whats going to happen. i dont know what im going to feel and im curious.

because they can tell me all they want, i hear it all the time.
they say, honey i have been a teenager and i messed up. i made lots of mistakes that i dont want you to make so that is why you cant go to, go with, be this, do that.. ___ fill in the blank. or they say i have been there before when i was your age
i understand. so why dont they? why dont they cut me a little slack and let go of the rope a little. maybe they will find i am eisier to live with if im on my own a bit more.

but by keeping me from making these decisions and mistakes, (against my own nature) keeps me from being happy. because i wont know what happy is until i feel what sad is. i wont know what satisfied is until i feel discontent. and im not saying for me to not be a spoiled brat they should take away dinner or something. IM SAYING if they let me live and choose with some boundaries then maybe, just maybe i could figure out this life thing for myself. i just need to feel. and live. they have had their opportunity and this is mine. my body, heart and soul are a little lost. but i know an intelligent and wise person when i see/ hear one. and issac mizrahi is one.
he said we have to live through the pain in order to know when its good.
and hes absolutely right. otherwise we just feel and know what they want us to. and thats not really my life, now is it?

"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
- William Shedd


Wednesday, July 21, 2004

quotes/journal

not much time to write. found an old journal where i wanted to write. (a physical one) its a nice leather bound one with pages and everything. so i copied some poems that i wrote a while back this year in there. but i also want to write some quotes that affected me alot in there. i will keep writing in here too. not that i have many loyal readers. which is fine. this journal is more of a rescue thing. because when im feeling something and i need to write alot and all the words are flowing its hard to write with a pen cuz my hand doesnt work that fast. but luckily my fingers do.

so im going to back and add quotes to the end of all my posts. ill leave with this quote i found on a journal for sale at office max/ depot one of the two...

"You will recognise your own path when you come upon it, because you will suddenly have all the energy and imgination you will ever need"
- Jerry Giles



Sunday, July 18, 2004

no more dieting for moi

well im not going to do south beach any longer. im not sure why it wouldnt work. i think i just didnt have the patience. and everything i did and everywhere i went i felt like i was forcing myself to not be tempted and it wasnt enjoyable. i want to be able to enjoy my life. so i will find some other way to eat healthy. i mean today i had eggs for breakfast. a burrito stuffed with vegggies and beans and some tortilla chips. and for dinner i will probably have salad and salmon or something. but i havnt been snacking all day and it isnt like i have been binging since i ended my diet either. right now i weigh 132 and i have had lots to drink and 2 big meals so i think it would be more accurate to weigh myself tomorrow morning after peeing. but on 6/6 i weighed 131 lbs so i dunno... i dont think its about loosing wieght but more about feeling better about my body. like when i go to the pool. im concious even though everybody tells me i have nothing to worry about. but ya... today we went to moes and had some good food and then we went to some cd store and i got maroon 5 josh groban and used wallflowers and used limp bizkit. i was really looking for diff stuff but when you cant find it and run across this ... ya know..

"Come out of the circle of time, and into the circle of love."
- Rumi


Saturday, July 17, 2004

yay i saw paco

paco came over today. it was so great to see him. any doubts i thought i had or anything i thought was going wrong is now perfectly gone. lol that ryhmed. and i was so down and just cranky for a long time. for like a month. and even for a while when he was here. but then we went swimming and took a nap and it was so nice. and it just.. fell back into place. i remembered everything i thought i couldnt. and i love the feeling im right now. oh ..i see all the cheesy things on the tv and in love songs about love and i just say ooohh thats us. and i couldnt do that for a month and it was depressing. but its so good to be able to feel in love again cuz for a while it didnt feel like it. like we had drifted too far. *sigh* i love him.

"Everything works out in the end. If it hasn't worked out, it's not the end."
- Unknown

Monday, July 12, 2004

south beach

so my mom and dad are doing the south beach diet thing.
no carbs, sugar and fruit for the first 2 weeks. thats phase 1, loosing about 8-13 lbs.
phase 2 is where you get to your target weight by eating the healthy carbs fruit and sugar in moderation.
and phase three helps you keep your target weight consitent by keeping the healthy food lifestyle.

the south beach diet encourages snacks between meals and dessert. they dont tell you to count calories or portion sizes. they dont have a point system or a strict lawbook to go along with the diet. this is basically it. all you need to know. its easy to do because they understand that life is complicated enough and eating healthy is already time consuming and expensive enough (think about it value meal at mcdonalds puchased at the drive through or all the fixings for a salad and grilled chicken and preperation time... well option one is much more convienet but it will kill your heart after time.) so the book gives you recipies and meal plans to eat everyday.

hopefully since my family is doing it i will be able to stick to it.




coffee showed me her blog and i wanted to change my blog to her site cuz its just that cool but then i realized thats my flaw. i cant commit to anything. so by saying i stuck with this will give me the impetus to stick with other things.


"When you dont know wehre you'r going any road will take you there. So when you come to a fork in the road, take it."
-Yogi Bera (Mr. Schoda)

Grades

Here are my final grades for the year...

French 2 - c exam- c
Geometry - c exam- d
Chem 1 - c exam- c
ballet 4 - a exam- a
wld hist - c exam- a
eng 2 ad - c exam- b
health/pe- a exam- a
pointe 2 - a exam- a

and my lovely but redicuously low gpa is 2.75...

hopefully next year is better...

"Pray for a good harvest, but keep on plowing."
- Nancy Otto

Saturday, July 10, 2004

much more like it.

im having a much better morning..

my mom told me we might rent a cabin in the smokey mountains for a week in august. and wed go to dollyville and white water rafting and such. im excited it should be alot of fun...

"You can have it all. You just can't have it all at one time."
-  Oprah Winfrey

Friday, July 09, 2004

showers. . .

i forgot that i used to take showers to de-stress... i am alone in a steamy relazing zone. with lavender and chamomille. what more could i ask for.. to be in my babys arms?

and i realzied that i cant make a commitment.. like food and exercise wise.. thats disturbs me...

"You don't get harmony when everybody sings the same note."
- Doug Floyd

im pissed.. so i vented on anna..shes a doll..

Prplmustanggirl: anna
annanaBannAmAeyE: lauren
Prplmustanggirl: i need to talk to you
Prplmustanggirl: i dont know whats wrong with me..
annanaBannAmAeyE: ok
annanaBannAmAeyE: whats wrong baby
Prplmustanggirl: today was okay right? i sat around watched tv.. talked to you and paco a bit.. and then my sister made kool aid with 6 flavors mixed together. it tastes horrible and she used the last of my favorite flavor. it made me really upset. so i found another koolaid thing and made some strawberry. but my mom comes in the kitchen and tells me i have to move the two bottles of meds i leave on the counter into the cabinet. and i said i cant i will forget to take it. i barely remember now. and she said dont argue with
Prplmustanggirl: me and i was so angry and i just went off saying i dont remember to take it now. so if its the cabintet ill never take it. you always remind caitlin to take her meds because shell be hyper if you dont but you forget to remind me because mine arent that important (they are to prevent migranes) and i dont see why i have to take mediceine everyday jsut to get through the day and you want to jeopordize it by making me forget to take it.. and she said put the koolaid away.. so i went to the fridge to clear a spa
Prplmustanggirl: ce and she yelled it wont fit put it in the garage.. and i was like fine you dont have to yell
Prplmustanggirl: and she said go upstairs before i smack you... i stomped up to my room almost in tears. i picked up the phone automatically dialing pacos number and he answerd what do you want? and in the back of my mind i was telling myself even though hes kidding and doesnt know whats going on its not helping.. and i just so needed to talk to sombody. and he wasnt there. he didnt want to get on that level. he was worried about making plans and stuff.. (which by the way is even more frustrating because he askes to make p
Prplmustanggirl: plans and then doesnt know hwat hes doing .. very indecisive... grr it just made me mad. and he said well i have to go dereks on the other line. so then i kicked my sister off the computer so i could write in my online journal.. but i started crying so it was hard to type. so i signed online and here we are..
Prplmustanggirl: why the heck do i feel so angry over koolaid?
annanaBannAmAeyE: lol
annanaBannAmAeyE: its not the koolaid
annanaBannAmAeyE: its ..... well its your place..... your attitude..... your level of anxiety
annanaBannAmAeyE: you wanted your mother to be understanding and all she did was yell
annanaBannAmAeyE: and more less favor your sister
Prplmustanggirl: i dont know whats wrong with me anna. i felt fine yesterday. and i havnt seen paco in a month now. and today every time the phone rang i thought please dont be paco. why the hell am i htinking that. i love him!!!!!
annanaBannAmAeyE: making it even harder to look at her and talk to her in a normal tone of voice
Prplmustanggirl: yes ...
Prplmustanggirl: and at the end of my journal entry i wrote fuck fuck shit damn fuck
annanaBannAmAeyE: i know the indesiciveness can be very frustrating.... you want to do something but you cant take a knife scoop out his brain and know what he wants
Prplmustanggirl: i am a happy person anna... what in the world is going on with me? i dont understand... lol i wish i could just scoop it..
annanaBannAmAeyE: its ok.... its ok to cuss i know .... remember sometimes you just.... you just... NEEED TO!
annanaBannAmAeyE: lol if i was only that easy to go get an ice cream scoop and take it out
Prplmustanggirl: yes thats right..
Prplmustanggirl: lol
Prplmustanggirl: well not really out loud.. more like internal smiling..
Prplmustanggirl: i feel like a miserable teenager... and im not pmsy either..
annanaBannAmAeyE: i know you are a happy person.... trust me... i HAVE noticed just by a bit and during the year when i came and got you out of english crying about kristen.... and you... you were so happy. I envied you. I wanted to be happy again.
annanaBannAmAeyE: Your the happiest person i know
annanaBannAmAeyE: hmmm
Prplmustanggirl: thats what paco said last night on the phone.. im the happiest person he knows..
Prplmustanggirl: and then on the wya to the computer from my room walking quickly my mom is in her doorway and i dont make eycontact so she knows i dont want to talk and she says and lauren you need an attitude adjustment..
annanaBannAmAeyE: i know you love paco. I cant tell you why you didnt want to be paco. but truthfully.... i think its all happened to the best of us... it doesnt mean you dont love him... there's been times the phone rings and it be kristen or mark and i just sigh when i realize its one of them i just dont feel like talking to that person....
annanaBannAmAeyE: of course that sends me over the edge sooooo fast... "Anna you need an Attitude Adjustment"
annanaBannAmAeyE: i remember when my dad said that me and i was like plse you ALL to re-evaluate yourselves why are you talking to me.
annanaBannAmAeyE: You know good and well i love kristen to death and sames goes for mark even though i may not show it that often
Prplmustanggirl: urrrggg ... its just like what the hell.. you think i like having an attitude like this.. i frickin hate feeling this way.. and shes telling me not to.. to adjust if.. as if it was that simple... only my sweetest dreams would it be...
annanaBannAmAeyE: yea i know, like you can take a knob and readjust the settings.... its like the ice cream scoop ... its just NOT that easy
Prplmustanggirl: and i thought while i was sitting in my room i could read a book to change my mind to other things.. and i tried but it didnt work and i thought o what about a bible.... and now i know completly why you hate it when kristen says go get your bible... besidses the fact that shes a hypocrite about it
annanaBannAmAeyE: and now i know completly why you hate it when kristen says go get your bible. why is that
Prplmustanggirl: well its just hard to sit down and concentrate on the bible when your so infuriated.. and i dont know... my concience was telling me pray talk to god and i was mad at it.. i wanted to find another way to deal with my anger like i always did..
annanaBannAmAeyE: yea, exactly
annanaBannAmAeyE: its hard... and until I can calm down a little bit atleast i cant pray otherwise all i end up doing is yelling @ God for something thats not his fault
Prplmustanggirl: grrr im like mad mad mad mad at everything everyone.. except you... your the only one who has made me smile right now
annanaBannAmAeyE: im glad i can be usefull :-D
Prplmustanggirl: of course!
annanaBannAmAeyE: i know exactly how you feel
annanaBannAmAeyE: take some alone time... not now if your not ready... but later just time to be BY YOURSELF!
Prplmustanggirl: and i feel bad that i didnt call you first. i thought somehow magically he would heal me. i think it only works if he can hold me while i cry and rub my back and kiss my forehead.
annanaBannAmAeyE: awwwwwwwww lol
annanaBannAmAeyE: its ok.. but if you ever need anything at all i swear ill be on your front door step in 20 min. 30 max
Prplmustanggirl: well i think i just dont know how to react to life with out him. it feels like weve broken up or something and its scarey..just cuz i havnt seen him in 4 weeks... i wasnt prepared for that.. at all... and it just happened i left then he did and then our schedules didnt match.. i dont have a parent to give me a ride in the daytime and neitehr does he ... and this weekend looks screwed too.. i dont know what the hell im gonna do. im going bonkers...
Prplmustanggirl: you cant come over.. my mom is saying you need to think about going to bed
annanaBannAmAeyE: lol well i can certainly relate.... i thought i was going to go crazy with out ben for an entire month
annanaBannAmAeyE: i was in ohio for 3 weeks and before that he had graduation ceremony's to attend so time together before i left and then he was at the beach the week after i got back
annanaBannAmAeyE: tell her its summer time
annanaBannAmAeyE: but then we broke up... and it was like part of me.. was missing i didnt have him to talk to or for him to hold me when i needed him or all night phone calls
annanaBannAmAeyE: or lunch in the park
annanaBannAmAeyE: and then i found out.... i had a life before i met him
annanaBannAmAeyE: and i could have that again
annanaBannAmAeyE: i wasnt going to come over now.. i was just saying if you ever need me... im there
Prplmustanggirl: and after a while its like i missed him so much i didnt anymore. like when your so hungry you cant eat or so tired you cant sleep. well i just forgot what it was like to be loved by him and it was okay if we didnt talk or whatever. and thats scary. that means my relationship has something going on. theres soemthing wrong with me that i need to fix ... or i jsut need to see him im nor sure..
Prplmustanggirl: ya i know you would be...
Prplmustanggirl: thanks so much anna!!!!
Prplmustanggirl: this has helped alot
annanaBannAmAeyE: no problem. I'm glad
Prplmustanggirl: okay well i have to go
Prplmustanggirl: ill talk to you later...
annanaBannAmAeyE: ok
Prplmustanggirl: thanks
annanaBannAmAeyE: i have my cell if ya need me
annanaBannAmAeyE: call
Prplmustanggirl: it really did help
annanaBannAmAeyE: ok
Prplmustanggirl: whats the number agian?
annanaBannAmAeyE: 704-351-1076
Prplmustanggirl: okay...
Prplmustanggirl: bye babe
annanaBannAmAeyE: bye
annanaBannAmAeyE: luv yas
Prplmustanggirl: love ya too




"People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."
- unknown




whats going on with me??

i dont know whats going on with me. today was going fine i guess. i mean i woke up around 12 and ate abunch of pasta watched good tv. and i hung out with iran who i havnt seen for a year. but then my sister made koolaid with 6 different flavors. and it tastes awful and she used the last strawberry-watermelon. i got so upset with her. i still am. my eye brows are all crinkled just thinking about it. and then my mom asked me to move my medicine and put it away because shes always moving it and it pissed me off and i went off saying its stupind that i have to move it that i have to even take it. because i always forget to take it everyday i forget to. and its so stupid i have to take medicine everday just to stay alive. and i am on the verge of tears right now. i am typing with my eys swelled shut they are all blurry and my mouth tastes like salt. i dont know why i feel the way i do. all i know is i was in complete love with my boyfriend and now when the phone rings i hope that its not him. and just 10 minuets ago when i called him he said he was busy and would call me back. it might sound selfish but i really needed to talk to him. arrrgg. what the fuck is wrong?? i need to see him. this being apart is not making me stronger its pulling me down. its tearing me up. i miss him so bad i forget how good it is to have him. that probably makes no sence. fuck fuck shit damn fuck.

"We all must have the courage to have a little disorder in our lives."
-Ben Weininger

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

i love snuffy!

LiLsnuFFy37 [8:59 PM]: Lauren?
Prplmustanggirl [8:59 PM]: hey
LiLsnuFFy37 [8:59 PM]: HEY! It's me Bianca!
Prplmustanggirl [8:59 PM]: o course its u!
Prplmustanggirl [8:59 PM]: why did u ditch the pinky?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:00 PM]: I had to! His screen name was snuffyspinky and people were getting our screen names mixed up.. so, i changed it.
Prplmustanggirl [9:00 PM]: lol
Prplmustanggirl [9:00 PM]: i thought you got in a fight or sumthin.. i was worried
Prplmustanggirl [9:01 PM]: so have you been... i havent talked to you in forever
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:01 PM]: oh no! Drew and me fight all the time.. but hey, its all good.
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:02 PM]: umm.. i'm good. :-) i'm in flordia now..
Prplmustanggirl [9:02 PM]: for good...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:02 PM]: I KNOW I HAVEN'T TALKED TO YOU IN FOREVER!
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:02 PM]: yeah. for good
Prplmustanggirl [9:02 PM]: :-(
Prplmustanggirl [9:02 PM]: do you like it?
Prplmustanggirl [9:02 PM]: DID YOU TAN???
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:03 PM]: I don't know if I like it yet.. I have to go to school and then after the first week, i'll be able to tell you
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:03 PM]: yeah. a got darker, but nothing to dark
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:03 PM]: how was camp?!
Prplmustanggirl [9:03 PM]: it was good.. i didnt expect it to be so much fun...
Prplmustanggirl [9:04 PM]: i made friends .. got over fears and had a fun... and tanned... it was great..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:04 PM]: how are you and paco?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:04 PM]: aww.. I MISS YOUI!
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:04 PM]: !!*
Prplmustanggirl [9:04 PM]: were okay.. i havnt talked to him in a while...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:04 PM]: what? why haven't you talked to him?
Prplmustanggirl [9:05 PM]: see when i got back he had already left for georgia and we only talked a couple of times.. hes back now tho so were talkign more.. im gonna go to his house saturday...
Prplmustanggirl [9:06 PM]: i miss him so much tho... i havnt seen him for a month... its driving me crazy... and calling him makes it worse beause its like tease me that i can see him..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:07 PM]: Lauren.. atleast you'll see him ALL next year!
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:07 PM]: >:o - i won't be able to see drew at all..
Prplmustanggirl [9:07 PM]: i know....
Prplmustanggirl [9:08 PM]: but see thats what makes you such a great person you still sit here and listen to me bitch about it anyways...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:08 PM]: I know, I know! When was you guy's last anniversary?
Prplmustanggirl [9:09 PM]: the 15th.. i was a camp... 3 MONTHS!!! AHHHHHHHH!!
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:09 PM]: ain't that sweet.. three months
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:09 PM]: yall are too percious
Prplmustanggirl [9:10 PM]: hehe arent we tho?
Prplmustanggirl [9:11 PM]: but damn i love him bianca i really do.. and i feel so bad for not talking to him more often ... it just really makes it worse..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:11 PM]: how does it make worse?
Prplmustanggirl [9:14 PM]: cuz its like i know i cant see him till saturday and its just a tease cuz his voice is so... nice ... and i just cant wait to hear it person.. and thats the point.. i CANT WAIT.. but he says yes you can. you have to . you have no choice. hes right. but i dont want to wait. i want him now. i want to be in his arms. if im not i dont want to have any of him till i get all of him. cuz its all just a tease.. the phone doesnt do it for me anymore. theres a desire deep inside that isnt satisfied with a phonecall.
Prplmustanggirl [9:14 PM]: i need to hold his hand and look into his eyes,,,
Prplmustanggirl [9:15 PM]: and i dont know....
Prplmustanggirl [9:15 PM]: wow i dont know what i just friggen said.......................................................
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:17 PM]: Lauren - I know how you feel. Totally. I hate to be one the phone with Drew.. knowing he is like 50,000 miles away.. and then its going to be worse when he moves to Philly.. Its a lot to think about if you ask me. But to me, I think these types of situations make your love stronger.. or they do in my case.
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:17 PM]: you aren't really bitching.. you're just reading my mind
Prplmustanggirl [9:17 PM]: well ya...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:17 PM]: :-)
Prplmustanggirl [9:17 PM]: they do make your love stronger... and i hope i made sence .. sounds like i do...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:19 PM]: you do make sense..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:19 PM]: what are you going to do on Saturday?
Prplmustanggirl [9:20 PM]: probably make out alot..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:20 PM]: OMG.. honest is the way to be
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:20 PM]: ;-)
Prplmustanggirl [9:21 PM]: im going to his house.. he lives with his sister and he has a nice and nephue there too.. they are like 4 and 2 and they dont really bother us.. and his sister says "make sure you have a condom"..
Prplmustanggirl [9:21 PM]: :-D
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:22 PM]: oh buddy.. hopefully you won't be in any situation to use a condom!
Prplmustanggirl [9:22 PM]: hopefully not
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:23 PM]: WHAT?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:23 PM]: LAUREN!
Prplmustanggirl [9:23 PM]: that would be totally ... umm ... unappropriate.. and scary.. and i dont know just nope not happening..
Prplmustanggirl [9:23 PM]: lauren what...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:24 PM]: you better not do anything.. and if you get pregant.. uhh..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:24 PM]: klsnkf
Prplmustanggirl [9:24 PM]: djfkjdfi
Prplmustanggirl [9:24 PM]: i wont get preggy..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:25 PM]: i dunno.. kids now of days get preggy off anything
Prplmustanggirl [9:25 PM]: he doesnt go in the pants..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:26 PM]: but he just goes everywhere else right?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:26 PM]: ;-)
Prplmustanggirl [9:26 PM]: you betta know it..
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:27 PM]: oh buddy.. lauren
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:27 PM]: is this the first time you've been in love?
Prplmustanggirl [9:27 PM]: uh...
Prplmustanggirl [9:28 PM]: no
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:28 PM]: no?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:28 PM]: what makes this one different?
Prplmustanggirl [9:30 PM]: this is deeper.. i think people are put into our lives.. or i am put into theirs... and my first love was love.. but only so i know that this one w/ paco was the real stuff because its just more intese... not intense because of what we do but because of what we feel... so i can compare the two loves and say this one is true.. and the other one was there but it wasnt .... as deep...
Prplmustanggirl [9:30 PM]: do you love drew?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:31 PM]: wow. that was deep lauren..
Prplmustanggirl [9:32 PM]: shit ... your kidding right?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:33 PM]: wooo.. between drew and i. i can't say yet. i know how i felt with josh and how i feel about drew is different. i guess the difference between the two relationships.. is the fact, drew and i aren't afraid to hurt each others feelings and being totally honest with each other.
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:34 PM]: with josh i always afraid to say what i felt.. and that wasn't a healthy relationship
Prplmustanggirl [9:34 PM]: not heathy at all...
Prplmustanggirl [9:36 PM]: so because your not keeping it all in with drew you will grow so much in your relationship... it will always be changing nad flourishing.. becuase well your just honest.. especially if he is.. there arent petty arguments and blow up arguments that leave the otehr one dumbfounded so you can just be in the relationship...
Prplmustanggirl [9:36 PM]: props to ya for making that work...
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:38 PM]: yeah.. I have this fear that I'm going to all the wrong things with Drew.. like the mistakes and things i never said to josh.. and i hate feeling that way. :- Prplmustanggirl [9:41 PM]: do you tell him that?
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:41 PM]: yeah. all the time. its a personal thing that is wrong with me.
LiLsnuFFy37 [9:41 PM]: hold on
Prplmustanggirl [9:42 PM]: well its not somthing thats wrong with you.. its not like your deformed or something because you feel like that.. its just how you feel...
Auto response from LiLsnuFFy37 [9:42 PM]: oh man.. lauren don't go anywhere! brb.

"One of the most valuable things we can do to heal one another is listen to each other's stories."
- Rebecca Falls

Sunday, July 04, 2004

im back from camp

well its been a week.. i got back friday and slept the whole day. i was really super tired. and saturday and sunday i was really bored hell i dont know what i did. my uncle was in town from lA so i know we watched alot of chopper shows and went to the harley davidson dealership like twice. and we ate all our meals out. i eat my best meals out. cuz i can get a salad. a nice one with good fixin on it.. yummm... and wednesday and thursday i went to work. it was okay. i did normal intern stuff even though im an employee now. i think because im young they still baby me. like i dont have a degree so i cant figure out an excell spreadsheet or sumthin... i dunno... its kinda frustratin and discouraging but im glad to have the money and sumthin to do with my time. lately i have been reading books. thats all i have been doing. thats all i will be doing. at all. hmm let me call anna really quick i jsut thought about her. marshall too. and my baby. i need to call all of them. shit im such a horrible friend. im not used to this. being social and stuff. im used to having just me and my sis during the summer thats the ways it always was. and then my best friends i knew since diapers. we werent needy of each other we knew each otehr too well. we didnt have to call to say hey or whaterver, you would just show up at their house and walk in, take a slice of pizza out of the fridge and change the channel.. it wasnt like a big ordeal. but now its some big fiasco. you have to practically have a hallmarak invitation to do anything with anybody. and the phone say hi thing is wierd for me. ya i would talk to my firends on the phone but only cuz we were bored and didnt have a ride. but we could talk about stuff and be sily till 4 am ... but now its so not like that. after 10 minuets its silence cuz you dont know what to say... damn... i dont feel like calling them. i want to just so they know im thinking baout them and i got hteir calls and that i still want to be their friends and that im really bored and yes i do want to go to the movies but damn i dont want the awkward silence..... i think im gonna go read now.. ill call paco first and make plans with him then anna then marshall..

"If you dont't stand for anything you'll fall for anything."
-Steve Bartkowski

What do I stand for?